Sunday, November 06, 2005

Saying Goodbye

This is not an easy one for me to write. Partly because I seriously am intoxicated right now, but mostly because it's just not easy to say goodbye to people when it comes to this.

You see, I said once before that my biggest fear in this whole deployment is that some of the people who are my friends today won't be my friends when I return. And, in part, I guess that's ok, but the part of it hurts very much. I wish I could stay here with my family, my friends, my classmates, but I cannot and, although I need to go and I know it will be a great experience, a huge part of me wants to stay here and pretend like none of this is going on, even though it is.

Today, I went to see the movie "Jarhead" and I thought it was wonderful. Although stereotypically Marines are dumber than Army people (Hooah!) I still felt myself being able to relate to the story on a whole different level than most of the other people in the theater. It was a great movie, it told the frustration of war, the boredom of it, and the stress soldiers feel when having to deal with their relationships back home while they are away. Like war itself isn't stressful enough.?

I truly am excited to deploy with the people I will serve alongside. I am not joking when I say that I could not ask for a better group of soldiers. I like them all, I truly do. I like their different personalities, I like their traits and I like their willingness to be soldiers when the time calls. On the outside I may have cursed the organization, I have burned some bridges (most of which I am ok with burning, but some that I truly regret and can probably never right), and I have dead-ended myself into a pretty much non-promotable situation, but all in all, and I am truly being honest here, I am excited to leave. I am excited to have the camaraderie that only soldiers can have. I am excited to serve my country and I am excited to help others. As hard as it is to believe and as strange as it might sound, I am excited to go to war. I cannot wait for this to start, but what scares me is that I might enjoy it or I might regret it. Only time will tell, but it is something that I must do and I am excited for that.

I do have to tell you that today was one of the hardest days of my life. This weekend I spent my last true weekend with my law school friends and it was extremely difficult for me. Part of me just wanted to get in my car and walk away while another part of me could not have enough fun and could not drink enough beer to make it better. I spent the weekend cheering on once of the greatest NCAA hockey schools in the Nation, the University of North Dakota Fighting Sioux, at the beautiful Ralph Engelstad Arena in Grand Forks. Even though the Sioux lost both games, it was still a surreal experience to watch them play in such a grand arena, especially knowing it will be a year and a half before I see them play here again. It just doesn't seem real.

The best part of my day today was an unexpected trip for lunch to Boston's with my roommate and a friend from some lunch and a little round of Golden Tee 2005 arcade golf. This one particular friend did a little time in the Old Guard, the 3d Infantry Division, out of Washington, DC, in his past military time. As we were standing there playing golf and eating appetizers, he started talking about some of his old days in the Old Guard and the different duties they would perform. I love to listen to his stories because I feel like I can understand them in a way different from that of our non-military friends. He continued on about a night when he was up for emergency duty, but the guys went ahead and got intoxicated because they didn't expect to get the call to duty. Mother Nature had different plans for these Infantry boys and decided to drop a bit of rain on them during the night. The river in DC began to rise and they were called to sandbag alongside it to prevent flood damage to the many Generals' homes that occupied the base. He continued on to tell me about how he was presented with a coin from the Sergeant Major of the Army for his positive attitude in the operation.

Of course, I thought this was pretty damn cool because I can appreciate the effort soldiers put in to trying to earn a coin when most of the time they are overlooked and don't receive any recognition. For those of you who don't know, to "get coined" in the Army is like receiving a very special on-the-spot award for some sort of achievement or service usually witnessed or recognized by a commander of some sort. It is tradition that if you are at a bar with another soldier whom you know as received the same coin as you in the past, you may throw your coin down on the bar and if the other soldier cannot produce their coin, they buy a round of drinks. In some instance, some might consider a coin a pretty high achievement, given the circumstances it was presented under.

Anyway, my friend continues to tell me about his coin from the Sergeant Major of the Army, and I'm thinking, "Geez, that's pretty damn high up there. All I have is a coin from the Command Sergeant Major of the Sergeants Major Academy and one from the Lieutenant General of Fifth Army." Both pretty damn cool coins to have, but nothing like one from the Sergeant Major of the Army, most soldiers don't even get to meet this guy much less have the opportunity to ever be a position to be coined by him." And then, as my friend concludes his story about the coin, he does the unthinkable.

He pulls the coin from his pocket and hands it to me saying it is mine for my deployment to Afghanistan. I need to carry it and protect it and most importantly, I need to bring it home safely with me when I return from my deployment. It made me cry.

I will carry it and I will return it, mark my word, it will come home safely and be returned as it should be.

I never thought that coming to law school would leave me with such a good group of friends, but it has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. I can only hope and pray that each one of them will be there for me when I return and that we will continue as we are today once that day comes.

I have been blessed in my first year of law school to find great people, I have found the best roommate one could hope for, I have found the best drinking partners one could ever seek to find, I have found the best Canadian, the best hockey fans, the best North Dakotans, the best Minnesotans, I have found the best group to study with, the best to friends to tell me when I am jacked up, the best people to judge my logical stopping point for alcohol intake, the best bowling company one could ask for along with the best study group I could have ever hoped to find for finals. I have found friends from across the Nation and friends who made me good about who I am no matter where I or they came from. I also found one of the best friends a person could ask for in their lifetime. I have been very lucky and I can only thank God for that.

There is not one part of me that wants to say, "Goodbye," to anyone of these friends, but I must because I have a job to do. I will say that I now understand the military is not only a huge part of my life, it probably is my life, which is something that I never intended, but I wholeheartedly accept as fact. I cannot imagine any part of my life without it or without the people that I have met as a result of my membership in it. It truly is my life as much as it can be without my being a true Active Duty soldier. I accept it and I love it for everything that it is, even though my verbal opinion may seem to contradict that at times, it truly is how I feel.

I thank God for my civilian friends as much as I do my military friends. The only question to be seen now is how many of my friends will be there in 545 days when I return a 30-year-old war veteran and a different person than I am today? Truly, very few can answer that today and that's ok. I understand what it is like to welcome home strangers who used to be friends from an environment that I will never understand as they did. I understand, I really do. The important thing is that people are there when I return and at that time, I think I will really, truly know what real friends are, those that will put up with the shit, the frustration of war, the awkward adjustment to home life and the strange feeling of my being a stranger in my own life. Those people will stand the test of time and stay true friends and I commend anyone that can make through this with me because it will not be easy, for me or for them.

I just hope they are all there when I return so I can thank them for all they will do starting tomorrow.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

LB - It is so great to see the inside of your head and how you can spill your feelings out so well. Your last two entries brought me to tears, too. Darn you! Keep up the writing. You will find it very cathartic. Hugs. --Colonel in Kosovo

Tue Nov 15, 11:38:00 AM CST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey there. Okay, so hang on to that coin, Lord knows I had enough 'good luck' charms with me when I deployed to uparmor my vehicle. They will bring you peace and comfort when times get tough. Keep up the writing and always remember what right looks like. Love you always, --Goldrush 6

Tue Nov 15, 06:20:00 PM CST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish you all the best as you embark on this new phase of your life. You are right, some of those friends may not be there when you return. But I'm sure you will find a whole new group of supporters and friends when you return. If you need anything, let me know.

Mon Nov 21, 11:52:00 AM CST  
Blogger Rich Casebolt said...

LB -- you are about to become an expression of God's grace, that is being applied to make both Iraq and America secure ... and free.

Thank you so much for your willingness to go ... and defend cake-eaters like me who no longer have the capability to do what you do.

Stay safe .. and live up to the saying ... America -- no better friend, no worse enemy.

Thu Nov 24, 11:37:00 PM CST  

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